MIM Ezine, December 22, 2006

-- The Reconstruction of A Youth Worker- “Confessions of an 'Old' Youth Minister,” by R. Scott Miller.

-- Book Review: "Married but Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What You Can Do to Create the Intimacy You Desire," by Paul and Sandy Coughlin, reviewed by Teena Stewart.

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“Leaders accept responsibility. Victims find someone else to blame. Who wants to be a leader?”

I asked this pointed question to a table-full of leaders in the midst of serious conflict. The silence was deafening. Then one by one each apologized should their decisions have hurt anyone. I was amazed and grateful for the depth of spiritual leadership I observed in these church leaders. They, too, were hurt and frustrated by the events of the past several months. Yet, they were willing to accept the responsibilities of leadership.

Conflict is inevitable. It is a normal, natural part of life. The only people who do not experience conflict are lying comfortably six feet under--dead.

Webster defines conflict as a clash of opinions, a divergence of interests, or incompatible desires. Life is full of these differences. Not only are conflicts plentiful, they are often the most interesting moments of our lives.

Movies, dramas, and stories that capture our hearts have plots with conflict. Characters face challenges and struggles. As they overcome difficulties to accomplish goals, they inspire us overcome the challenges in our lives and accomplish our dreams

Conflict is a normal, natural part of life. It is the stuff that makes our lives interesting

So why do so many of us work to avoid conflict? It is painful. Conflict takes us out of our comfort zone and puts us in vulnerable positions. Standing in the midst of competing interests and clashing opinions may expose us to criticism. And not all criticism is helpful or constructive. It can wound and hurt us.

One, conflict is normal and natural. Its presence is not a sign of failure or evil. It simply is. If anything, it is a sign of life.

Two, conflict does not go away. The symptoms may be repressed or hidden, swept under the rug. But the longer they are ignored, the greater the potential for a later explosion. Usually, the impact of that explosion is directly proportional to the length of time in which the conflict’s presence was denied.

Three, conflict can disorient people from their usual patterns. Many people experience this as loss. An insightful leader, however, can recognize in conflict an opportunity for positive change.

A few years ago my daughter moved from one state to another. Her mother and I promised to help her move her belongings. We arranged to rent a truck. She packed her belongings and her younger brother went along to help drive and carry furniture.

I worried about the whole plan. There was little margin for error and unexpected delays. I tried to think through every possible scenario so I was prepared for any possibility. But I missed one possibility. I did not consider that worrying so much would reduce my resistance and make me ill. The move went off without a hitch, but I came home with a case of pneumonia.

The nurse in the emergency room handed me the prescriptions and then politely demanded to know my employer’s name. She was going to write a note requiring me to take 2-3 days off. I laughed. I set my own schedule. She put her hands on her hips and stared me straight in the eye. “So, what’s the problem here?”

I had to learn another lesson about balance in my life. The crisis of the illness pressed me to make some positive changes. Now I pay more attention to scheduling, trust other people more for things I cannot control, and have more confidence in the people around me and their ability to manage responsibilities.

Church conflict can cause us to clarify our mission and vision. It can make us reaffirm our core values. Conflict can also help us reclaim the identity to which God calls us.

I find that conflict also reveals who the leaders really are. They are not always the ones who do all the talking or the ones who like being in the spotlight. Spiritual leaders are the ones who stand up when things get tough. They speak words of faith when all others give up hope. These are the people I want to hear when crisis hits and decisions need to be made. God lifts these people up for such a time as this.

We cannot resolve every conflict. Some conflicts require the commitment of people beyond our influence. A few people may prefer the known world of their conflict as opposed to the unknown world beyond that conflict. Problems may be so complex, they defy resolution.

We cannot resolve every conflict, but we can design processes and systems whereby conflict can help us grow. We can nurture relationships that will bond us together in the midst of disagreement.

In the past two years I have been writing for MIM ezine and have not written very much on leadership in periods of conflict. Yet, I find many ministry leaders spend a lot of time and energy in just such periods.

In January I will analyze various sources of conflict. Knowing what is causing the conflict may help the leader find possibilities for resolution.

In February I will offer criteria for evaluating the intensity of conflict. Not all conflict is the same. When is conflict manageable, and when is it irresolvable?

In March I will explore Biblical models and resources for resolving conflict. The church leader will find much here to guide his or her responses.

In April I will suggest some communication skills that will assist the leader who is mediating through conflict. There are no magic incantations, but there are techniques that can help clarify and enhance understanding.

In the meantime, may your path be filled with opportunities to discover God’s possibilities.

Tom Hanover has served in a variety of pastoral leadership roles for over 30 years, the last four as a District Superintendent supervising the ministries of more than 100 pastors and churches in southwest Ohio. He has a BA (cum laude) from Taylor University, and MDiv and DMin degrees from United Theological Seminary in Dayton.

In less than a month I turn 40. It is funny how much has changed since my college years when I began working in youth ministry. Let me ramble a bit about how things were.

I remember the cool, new band was a group of guys dressed in yellow and black spandex with long hair and mascara calling themselves Stryper.

I remember how I bragged about cramming 10 kids into my Mercury Lynx, driving them to McDonalds, and my senior pastor did not even think twice about how many safety rules I was breaking at the time.

I remember kids coming over to my apartment to play Nintendo, watching movies, and me be being the only adult there.

I remember the summer when Batman came out in the theater and the kids could not wait to see it in the theater. Yes Batman… not Batman Returns, or Batman and Robin. Can you believe it… just Batman?

I remember using books as resources like Group’s Instant Youth Groups or Youth Specialties Ideas books. These were cool. They were stacks of paper piled together with a binding that you thumbed through and marked up the pages with the changes you made. Hmmmmm, paper… what is that?

I remember having a big suitcase-looking box that opened on either side with my cassette tapes in it. Yes, those were out after the record and 8-track.

I remember how all youth ministers were supposed to be able to play guitar and sing. I never knew how to play the guitar and people always ran when I would try to sing. When I was introduced to my first church, the senior pastor referred to me as a handicapped youth minister since I could not play guitar.

I remember when youth ministers were expected to be big kids. People still expect that out of me, except now it just hurts more.

I remember when someone talked about a computer, I thought they were talking about those keyboard things you could buy at Radio Shack. They attached to your television and you wrote your own games in basic.

I remember the best part of youth ministry was not planning the games, not coming up with the cool new youth program, but the time spent building relationships with kids that lasted a lifetime. I remember getting to know their hearts and watching them grow up and mature.

Even in this time of fast computers, cell phones, text messages, I-Pods, My Space, U Tube and IM’s, the best part of youth ministry is knowing the hearts of the youth with whom you are working. I enjoy watching them develop their faith and living it out. That is why even at turning 40, I cannot imagine doing anything else with my life. That is why it is good to be an “Old” Youth Minister.

Feel free to contact Scott to agree, disagree or just pick his brain about youth ministry. You can contact him at: rscottmiller1@aol.com Scott would love to hear from you!

R. Scott Miller is the Director of Christian Education and Youth at Milford First United Methodist Church in the suburbs of Cincinnati, OH. In his 16 years of youth ministry, Scott has written and developed much of the youth programming used in his churches. Scott has a B.A. in Radio/TV and Journalism from Morehead State University and an M.A. from Asbury Theological Seminary. Scott is the author of 7 Things Christians Don't Do and What To Do Instead by Abingdon Press.

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Book Review – Married but Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What You Can Do to Create the Intimacy You Desire

Surely we don't need another marriage book on the market. Ample resources already exist on the topic. Paul and Sandy Coughlin's book, Married but Not Engaged, however, addresses a challenge many married couples face, but do not necessarily talk about or find answers to. And this is why the book should be considered as a resource.

What happens when a spouse is passive? The Coughlin's have first-hand experience dealing with the frustrations and dysfunction that occurs when one of the parties takes a back seat to decision-making, spiritual leadership, and more. In this case it was Coughlin, due to his own upbringing with an emotionally abusive mother. He learned to bury his feelings and back off from taking a leadership role in life and in marriage.

Paul and Sandy share how they worked through this issue in their own marriage while sharing stories from their readers and radio listeners with similar struggles with passiveness. (Paul hosts a radio talk show in southern Oregon.) Author of an earlier book called No More Christian Nice Guy dealing with the same topic of passiveness, Paul dubbed the term CNG's. He explains how this "nice guy" attitude many Christian men adopt can create a lot of frustration and unhappiness in marriages in addition to other problems in their everyday lives. In essence CNG's are "emotionally absent."

Such a way of dealing with life can create problems with employment, employment advancement, child rearing, relating to others, becoming a people pleaser, and more. When a spouse does not meet life-challenges in a grown-up adult manner; it may create long-reaching repercussions, leaving their spouse to cope with resentment, bitterness, and even shame.

Though this book is a bit off of DreamBuilders Ministry in Motion's target, it has merit as both a marriage counseling tool for those who do marital counseling and for those who desire to strengthen their own marriages. It will be most effective when used to help both spouses become aware of their work areas and begin to make positive changes to grow into a healthy marital relationship.

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MIM Ezine - December 22, 2006