MIM Ezine, February 23, 2007

-- The Reconstruction of A Youth Worker- The Theology of Fun?by R. Scott Miller.

-- Book Review: "The Way of the Wild Heart: A Map for the Masculine Journey" by John Eldredge,reviewed by Teena Stewart.

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Navigating conflict is a little like navigating the white water rapids of a river. There are many rocks and vortices hidden under the foaming waters, and only an experienced guide knows the clues and signs of danger. Ignoring those signs and clues can lead to real disaster.

Just as whitewater rafting is a great adventure, navigating conflict well can be healthy and stimulating to individuals and groups. Conflict is a normal part of life. Managing conflict well can create health, energy, and focus for an organization.

The January issue identified numerous factors in identifying the sources of conflict. Rarely is conflict the result of one simple cause. However, some causes may be more critical or strategic than others. The guide who can recognize the clues and signs that point to the critical causes can help an organization develop effective strategies for resolution of those conflicts.

A second element of analysis for the leader or guide is the intensity of the conflict. Not all conflicts are resolvable. Attempting basic problem solving in an intractable personal conflict will only increase the frustration of the parties and exhaust the energy of the leadership. An effective ministry leader needs to correctly diagnose the intensity level in order to create opportunities for resolution.

The following five levels were identified by the Task Force on Pastor/Congregation Conflict as a resource for Committees on Ministry of the Presbyterian Church (USA). It has been used by many of the consultants of the Alban Institute (www.alban.org).

At this level, at least two parties are in real disagreement. It is not just a misunderstood perspective or a misinterpretation of words; people may have differences in goals, values, needs, or more. For the most part, the parties are focused on the problem as opposed to the personalities involved. If someone expresses anger, it is short-lived and contained. Collaborative agreement is possible and the parties can work toward win/win resolutions.

Generally, leaders can work on clarity of the differences and helping the parties to identify each other’s priorities. Sharing all the pertinent information with all the parties create opportunities for healthy collaboration.

Like Level One, there is genuine disagreement; however, it is becoming difficult to distinguish between the conflict in a problem and a conflict in personalities. Parties lack trust in each other, and, therefore, begin to withhold critical information from others. Conversation includes generalizations assigned to unnamed parties. “I know a lot of people are going to leave if ….” “Some people are really hurt.” “They won’t speak up for fear of ….”

The effective leader will want to reduce the intensity of the conflict to Level One so the parties can creatively solve the problem. But in order to get to that level, the leader will need to help the various parties save face. It is not yet a win/lose conflict. The leader will work on building trust, clarifying language, eliminating triangulation, naming the hidden parties, and negotiating a willingness to work towards an agreement acceptable to all parties. The leader will need much patience and grace, but persistence will be well rewarded.

The parties in conflict seem to have interest only in winning the contest. There is little interest in collaborative problem solving. Actually, there is little communication between the parties. Suspicion and anger is high. Opposing viewpoints are regarded as the enemy. Parties will not function in the presence of the other. Conversation turns into personal attacks. Information that is available is often distorted in order to favor the party using it. Small examples are over generalized into accusations that blame others for the problems.

A leader’s challenge is always to reduce the level of intensity to the next lower level. The leader will play more of a role of mediator at this level. He or she will work to develop a decision-making process that helps the parties to negotiate their compromises. In time, some members may develop trust through experiencing some positive collaboration. However, creating a win/win situation for all parties may not be possible. Sometimes, taking turns at the winning and losing is the best the leader can accomplish.

At this level the parties are no longer interested in merely winning. The parties want to eliminate everyone who disagrees. Change, collaboration, forgiveness, new understandings are regarded as impossible. People have rigidly solidified their positions. They refuse to listen to any perspectives other than their own. A permanent fracture of the organization seems inevitable.

Intervention is still possible. The effective leader will work to build relationships with each of the parties to keep open possibilities of future communication. While the parties cannot trust each other at this level, they may be open to developing trust with a third party whom they perceive to have the best interests of the organization at heart.

Conflict is now unmanageable. Issues are so confused that people may have forgotten exactly what they were. Personalities are now the issue. The situation has gone far beyond simply winning and losing. The goal seems to be that the parties involved are seeking to destroy the other.

At this point, leaders may be wise to dissolve any connection among the parties because resolution is usually impossible. And often, legal authorities get involved at this stage.

Thankfully, most church conflicts do not escalate to level five, although there are horror stories in every region. An effective leader will recognize the clues and signs of the level of intensity and initiate appropriate strategies before a conflict escalates too far.

For most church settings a leader will work to keep parties focused on the problem, help parties to clarify their understandings of the problem, and facilitate open sharing of all information related to the problem. This will help congregations escape the inevitable escalation of intensity when conflict is ignored or mismanaged.

In the March column, I will share some Biblical models and resources that faith communities may find helpful in managing conflict.

If your church or group is facing a troubling conflict and you would like some help, send me an email. Or you may want to consider a short-term coaching conversation to help you reflect on your challenge. See our coaching page at (www.ministryinmotion.net/life_coach.html) or click the Coaching & Consulting tab on the left side of this page.

I remember the early days of youth ministry having my “New Games and New Games 2” books as well as my passed down copies of “Way-Out Ideas” and “Right-On Ideas” by Wayne Rice and Mike Yaconelli. I could come up with a game or an activity with no effort. As I have gotten older and times have changed, I moved from the “Activity Directory” type youth minister to the “Youth Pastor.”

Some of this change happened naturally as the gray hair appeared. Some of it happened because the seriousness of the kids changed. But I sometimes wonder if we don’t need to be more intentional about putting fun activities back into youth programs. Now I know Small Groups and Discipleship are a good thing. I also know that most youth groups have their ski trips and high adventure trips. What I am talking about is just having a game… playing.

One of the unique changes for me serving as a youth minister is now I am a youth group parent as well. In having a 12-year-old daughter I am wondering about the whole thing of fun. Our kids are programmed to death with sports, music, academics, instant messages and other stuff. But what about just playing a game?

Why am I ranting about this? It wasn’t long ago that we had a fun night at our Sunday Night Youth. We played a game that is pretty involved. Many years ago one of my early youth ministry mentors, Bill Moore, swore me to secrecy on publishing this game. He brought it back to the states when he was growing up as a missionary kid in Korea. It has been passed down from youth worker to youth worker in Kentucky. This game involves two playing fields and includes characteristics of baseball, football, track, and tug of war all in one game. It is a night of full contact and fast action fun! It is just a game. No teaching content… No sermon… No discipleship… No spiritual content… or is there?

We had this night of fun and I heard back from the grapevine from one parent that they were annoyed that I took an entire evening and just played. They felt like I was not doing my job. They felt that if they were taking their kid to youth group, there should be some content.

At first glance they are right. It was a fun night. Personally, I had a blast. There was content. It just wasn’t obvious. This was an activity that the team had to work together, if they were going to win. It taught lots about working together, watching out for each other, getting along and just plain old fun!

Sometimes I think that I have missed Jesus’ point when I get too serious. Jesus was anything but boring. If he was boring, no on would have taken time to listen. He wouldn’t have had twelve guys give up their lives and follow him. His story would not be important today, if he was boring!

I have two favorite ways of thinking of Jesus that are not totally serious. The first is a piece of art. It looks like a charcoal style drawing of Jesus doing a head-back belly laugh. The second visual is from Jesus the Mini Series that was on TV a few years back. Jesus is at the well with his disciples taking a drink of water. Everyone is looking serious then all of a sudden Jesus splashes water at Peter. Peter looks angry at first until he realizes that Jesus is the one who did it and is laughing. Then all of them get into it.

I am not saying there is not seriousness to the Gospel and to our mission to share the good news. But if we can’t have fun doing it, what is the point? If we do not teach this to our kids, we are not really doing our jobs. Those times of playing are just as important as our times sharing a lesson or teaching discipleship. In the words of John Wayne, “If I gotta be religious, it’s gonna be fun.”

You are invited to contact Scott to agree, disagree, or just pick his brain about youth ministry. You can contact him at: rscottmiller1@aol.com Scott would love to hear from you!

R. Scott Miller is the Director of Christian Education and Youth at Milford First United Methodist Church in the suburbs of Cincinnati, OH. In his 16 years of youth ministry, Scott has written and developed much of the youth programming used in his churches. Scott has a B.A. in Radio/TV and Journalism from Morehead State University and an M.A. from Asbury Theological Seminary. Scott is the author of7 Things Christians Don't Do and What To Do Instead by Abingdon Press.

John Eldredge’s book, Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul, became a best seller because it resonated so well with Christian men, affirming in them what it means to be a true man. According to Eldredge true men are adventurous, wild, and, at times, even dangerous mirroring many of the same attributes of the character of God.

In his new book, The Way of the Wild Heart: A Map for the Masculine Journey, Eldredge continues the themes he introduced in his earlier book in that many men feel as though they are incomplete, and targets those men who feel unfinished and unfathered.

Men learn to be men from their fathers, but, in many cases, have not had a good fatherly model. This may have been because their fathers died when they were young, or they were irresponsible, or possibly inaccessible. If this influence in a young man’s life is lacking, a man may remain or feel as though he is unfinished and incomplete.

Eldredge is a guide through the different stages of manhood: Boyhood, Cowboy, Warrior, Lover, King and Sage. He fills his book with stories from his own experiences as an outdoorsman and his interaction with his sons, including the coming of age vision quest. These rites of passage are important to men because they strengthen and validate them; and help usher them to the next stage of the masculine journey.

This book takes the reader on a series of initiation passages that can be adapted and used as a guide by fathers who wish to guide their sons through their journey to growth and maturity.

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MIM Ezine - February 23, 2007