MIM EZINE, OCTOBER 3, 2005

CONTENTS

– Purpose-filled Ministry – Strengthening Marriages for the Long Haul

– Book Review – Living Together: A Guide to Counseling Unmarried Couples

– Classified Ads

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Purpose-filled Ministry: Strengthening Marriages for the Long Haul

By Teena M. Stewart

One would think that if we could find strong marriages anywhere it would be in church leadership.  And yet I can tick off a list of leaders I know of whose marriages have either dissolved or are in the process of dissolving.  Several of these include clergy marriages.  Some of the brokenness happened because marital unfaithfulness, others because couples decided they were tired of trying to work things out.  Still others fell apart because couples claimed the passion was gone.

Society says that when the going gets tough it’s OK to bail out.  Divorce is not only readily available, it is readily acceptable and it is always lurking somewhere in the shadows when a relationship gets rocky.  Movies, books, and celebrity lifestyles mirror this belief system.  Is it any wonder it has infiltrated the lives of Christ followers as well?

A study quoted in the September 8, 2004 Barna Group Update reveals that born again Christians are just as likely to get divorced as non born agains. The study also indicates that  “most Americans reject the notion that divorce is a sin.”¹

More than ever our church members need strong marital examples.  How can leaders make sure they have them?

First, leaders must tend to the health of their own marriages. Rather than assume everything is OK, take the time to connect with your spouse and talk about your relationship.  This includes even mundane matters because it is often the seemingly trivial issues that eat away at relationships.  Keep communication lines open.

Don’t let hectic schedules and doing “God’s work” keep you from being there for your mate.  Marriage is a ministry in itself and God’s work starts at home. Never put church ministry before your family.  If you do, your marriage and your church ministry will suffer.

Put the “d” word out of your vocabulary.  When you enter into your marriage relationship agree with your spouse that divorce is not an option. Once you rule it out, you’ll be amazed at how much more willing you will be to work things through.

Now that we’ve looked at some ways to keep our own marriages healthy, how can we assist the health of our church members marriages?  There are several ways we can facilitate healthy marriages.

We can start by making premarital counseling a requirement for those wishing to marry. This gives couples a good start on understanding each other’s strengths, weaknesses, the importance of their marital vows, and their relationship to Christ (if they have one).

Work in marriage talk from the pulpit. Talk about marriage and the fact that is a covenant and the significance of what a covenant is—a promise made to God between spouses—to God to remain faithful and committed. 

Provide marriage enrichment classes, seminars, and small groups.  You can offer these in a variety of venues.  The more options you give, the more marriages you’ll strengthen.

Include talks with youth groups about the importance of purity and the value and significance of marriage.

We are salt in an unseasoned world called upon to act as a preservative.  Marriages and families are in crisis.  The one hinges on the other. When marriages crumble so do families and the negative repercussions are far reaching.  By making a conscious effort to have Christ-centered marriages, and provide resources for developing Christ centered marriages for those we lead, we can make a difference that has a far-reaching impact.

Note: 1  barna.org, Sept 8, 2004 , “Born Again Christians Just As Likely to Divorce As Are Non-Christians”

In addition to being editor of Ministry in Motion, Teena Stewart is a published author and speaker. Her most recent published work includes Soul Matter for Women which you can find on MIM's women's ministry page.  For more information on speaking visit MIM's speaker directory.

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Book Review – Living Together: A Guide to Counseling Unmarried Couples

By Jeff VanGoethem, Publishing House, 2005, ISBN #0825439248,  195 pages

Reviewed by Teena Stewart

Why are so many marriages short-lived?  Cohabitation may be one of the major culprits. Those who cohabitate are less likely to have a successful long-term relationship.  Pastor/ counselor Jeff VanGoethem studied the cohabitation trend and its affect on relationships.  Despite secular society touting cohabitation as smart and socially acceptable, the facts show that in most cases living together has a highly negative impact on most relationships.  When one considers that between 50 and 60% of marriages now involve couples who live together it is no wonder that so many have difficulty hanging in for the long term.  Just how wide-spread is the trend?  Information taken from a census in the year 2000 indicates an anticipated 4.7 million (ten times the number in the 1960s) by the time we pass that year marker. More than half of all first marriages are pre-ceded by cohabitation.  And more than one third of cohabitating households have children present.

Pastors and counselors who do both premarital and marital counseling would be wise to check into their client’s backgrounds since cohabitation can adversely affect future and existing relationships. Exactly how should a counselor deal with the issue of cohabitation, a situation that has become both acceptable and prevalent with many couples?  At the core of some of the issues that arise from cohabitating is the underlying attitude of  independence and that says, “I  can split if I don’t like how things are going.” VanGoethem notes that the frequent co-habitational approach of test driving a relationship overlooks the emotional factor.  People are not cars.  They have feelings and when one party decides to cast aside a partner and move on, it leaves deep and lasting emotional scars. 

Other negative areas of impact include abuse (which happens to women and children more frequently in cohabitating relationships), and the fact that women, more than men, are apt to be the losers since men are typically looking for sexual fulfillment while women are longing for lasting relationships.  Cohabitation also causes couples to enter marriage with the mindset that carries over from cohabitation, the same “I can split if I don’t like what’s happening” attitude and they also bring the scars caused by cohabitation into a marriage.

VanGoethem spends time exploring the history of the marriage covenant and why helping counselees understand its significance is important.  His book also includes a practical application section with guidelines for churches and counselors who counsel both pre-maritally and martially. He suggests that churches write out marriage policies  Should pastors marry anyone?  Should premarital counseling be required? The book  includes specific guidelines for counseling those who are cohabitating. 

There is an appendix that includes a pastoral remarks section that pastors may draw on for specific situations that arise with co-habitators in counseling; a sample wedding church policy; and a sample wedding ceremony–all meant to reinforce the importance of the wedding vows  and stress the importance of their promise to each other and to God.  This book should be in every counselor’s shelf.  It is also an important tool for Christians in general since we all know someone who has either considered cohabitation or has participated in it.